2 Corinthians 4 and My Own Story

I overslept for church again this morning. I've been doing that a lot. So when I finally woke up at 11, I decided to sit down at the table, finish a Bible app plan that I should have finished months ago, and eat a slice of chocolate cheesecake. 

In my reading, I came across these verses which I have heard and sang probably a hundred times.

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”

2 Corinthians 4:8-9 NIV

This morning, these verses meant so much to me. YES. This is where I am at today. 

I have struggled with severe anxiety and depression since my junior year of high school. There have been periods of times when I have been better, been fine, even. And there are periods of time, like lately, when it hits me again in full force and there isn't much I can do. I take the necessary steps...I see doctors, go to counseling, try to stay in the Word the best I can. But sometimes, those things don't make it any easier. Sometimes I just hurt. 

I have felt crushed, in despair, abandoned, and destroyed. Sometimes I feel these things every day. 

But feeling does not equate with being. While I may feel that I have nothing left to keep moving for and that nothing good is left in the world, I do not believe those feelings. 

What I love about these verses is that it doesn't tell you not to feel pain or despair. In fact, it says that yes, we are pressed, perplexed, persecuted, and struck down. Sometimes it seems like Christians feel this need to lie about their pain and slap on a happy face. That is not what this verse is telling us to do. It is simply reminding us that this is not the end...we have hope. I'm blessed that Hope is my name.

This pain, which can be like hell on earth (lets not sugar coat things here), will not last forever. If I believe in the eternal bliss I am promised by Jesus, I am not crushed, in despair, abandoned, or destroyed. I have something to keep living for. 

Depression is hard. But I am still going forward today because I believe in this verse despite my feelings of despair. 

For those reading this who struggle with depression or other mental illness, take heart. I am by no means saying you won't stop feeling despair if you believe in this verse, but you will KNOW the reality that there is still hope. 

For those of you reading this that are Christians who hold on to the believe that mental illness is a spiritual issue, I encourage you to reexamine this belief. Getting up and continuing each day takes a massive amount of faith for someone struggling with depression. Faith that there is a God who will provide a better someday. Depression is NOT a lack of faith. Living with depression is a VICTORY of faith. 

Thoughts to ponder.

Hi.

Well...hello blog-world. It's been a while.

This semester has been an adventure. I'm not sure where to start! I guess at the beginning. (It's a very good place to start.)

I directed Broadway Revue. It was really hard. I cried a lot. But I'm proud of that show, and I'm proud of everyone's hard work. We got the job done, and we did it well.

I was in a beautiful play, Wit by Margaret Edson. I cried a lot. It changed lives. I am so honored to be involved. It shall get its own blog post someday.

I changed my major. I cried a lot. (Wow, that's a reoccurring motif.) I am now a straight English major with a theatre minor. No, I don't know what I want to do with that. But that's okay. I feel like God is asking me to trust Him by agreeing to not know for a while.

To parody the musical Rent: How do I measure, measure this fall? In papers, in chapel skips, in midnight due dates, in CUPS OF COFFEE. In lack of sleep, in undercooked meals, in laughter, in strife. In 525,600 pages to read before tomorrow. How do I measure, measure this fall?

:) I'm tired. But I really am happy. I am exhausted, but I am exhausted by what I love. Every day I wake up and get an amazing education. I've seen new things, I've read new things, I've met new people. I'm exhausted, but so happy. Typing it out is a good reminder for me amidst the fatigue.

Blog posts to be written in the next few weeks:
-The Anatomy of Gray
-A Poem for Paris
-Do, Not Be
-Best Literature of the Semester

Hold me accountable to write these, my friends. It does me a lot of good to write out how I feel and what I think. I like to share it with those of you who take the time to read.

Thanks for caring about my life. I love each of you.

Hope

PSA on Gluten Intolerance

Intolerance. Sensitivity. Allergy. Auto immune disease. 

Each label has its own connotation, but it all comes down to one thing: it sucks to be made sick by something so common and so pleasurable as gluten.

For those who don't know, gluten is a protein in most wheat, barley, and rye products.

Partially because I'm feeling the need to write out my frustration and partially because I believe people are uninformed about the actual lifestyle of HAVING to eat gluten free, I have decided to describe gluten intolerance in my own words.

Gluten intolerance is feeling carsick everyday, a nauseated feeling that not even puking could get rid of. It's headaches and sore limbs. It's fatigue so bad that you just lay in bed all day. It's knowing one bite of the wrong thing could put you in bed for days. It's fear of dinner parties, which are never simple for someone with food allergies. It's worrying that people will think you are rude if do t eat their food. It's waiters rolling their eyes when you ask for a gluten free menu. It's a constant stream of questions that you wish you didn't have to ask. It's embarrassment when you have to be "that person." It's the constant decision of what is more important: your pride or your health?

Gluten intolerance is confusing and inconsistent tests. It's not knowing what to say when people ask you if it's Celiac or an allergy; you've tested positive AND negative for both. It's doctors giving you no solutions, only comments about how it is quite common for women of Anglo-Saxon heritage to complain of these "tummy issues". It's being told by healthy stomached and well meaning friends that according to the article they read online, "gluten's not actually what is making you sick." It's knowing that there is a huge sphere of people who reduce the physical trauma you feel to "trendy hypochondria."

It's knowing restaurants don't take your issue seriously and understanding why they don't. Trendy diet followers don't even know what cross contamination is. On cross contamination, it's asking question after embarrassing question about the gloves cooks wear, the cooking utensils, the cleanliness of kitchen surfaces. It's the risk you take when you are tired and ashamed of asking.

Gluten intolerance is giving up on Chinese food. It's pretending you aren't hungry when someone offers you food because it's not worth explaining. It's a very short list of safe eateries. It's paying the same price for a small gluten free pizza that your family pays for the large pizza they share. It's an upcharge at restaurants, if you are lucky enough to find a gluten free menu. It's dry and crumbly "bread." It's knowing your family enjoys dinner much more when you are gone. It's bitterness towards picky eaters. What you would give to be able to eat that food they just refused...It's craving cake so badly, but knowing you can't afford a substitute from the gluten free aisle of Kroger.

It's friends asking what will happen if you eat gluten. Do you really want to know?

Fine.

Diarrhea and nausea for days and sometimes weeks. Soreness all over your body. Depression and fatigue that leaves you in bed for hours. And the constant surprise of whatever new symptom comes up.

Gluten intolerance is painful and inconvenient. It's a REAL problem, not a trendy lifestyle. I beseech you to please be aware and be gracious when encountering those of us with food allergies. We don't want to ask all these questions, we don't wish to be complicated, but there isn't really a choice.

Second Semester by Hope Morris

So this semester I was very busy. Very very busy. I just barely found time to sleep, so the blogging slacked a bit. However, now it is SUMMER, and I have absolutely nothing to do! I spent a lot of time around theatre this semester. In fact, almost all of my time...So I found appropriate to describe my second semester in script form. Enjoy!

Second Semester

by Hope Morris

Hope enters a very cluttered dorm room, arms full of very random things including an American Girl Doll, a feminist coffee mug, and flannel pajamas. Exasperated but still cheerful, she throws everything on the floor and proceeds to flop onto bed. She sighs deeply. On the other bed sits a peppy blonde who is listening to 21 Pilots.

Hope: Ah! Dorm sweet dorm!

Melissa (roommate): Where have you been?? I've seen you like a total of thirty minutes in the past 48 hours.

Hope: I've been.......oh gosh. Where have I been?

Flashback lighting and the 80s ballad "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler begin. There is no symbolic meaning behind this song. I just like it.

 Enter Teacher Hope in a Jessica Day-esque dress. She stands at the front of a classroom of high school students. They all mumble "Who's that girl?"

Teacher Hope: Hello class! My name is Hope...I mean...er...Miss Morris. I'm a student at Olivet studying to be a high school English and drama teacher.

sassy student 1 raises his hand

 Sassy Student 1: how old are you?

Teacher Hope: I am almost nineteen.
Sassy Student 1: Shoot, that's hardly any older than I am! That means I don't have to listen to you!
Teacher Hope: (smiles) Well, it's a good thing I'm not here to tell you what to do then, huh?

Sassy Student 2 raises his hand
Sassy Student 2: How often you go to church at that college?
Teacher Hope: I go to church about three times a week, if you include chapel.
Sassy Student 2: They make you go three times??
Teacher Hope: I enjoy going to church.
Sassy Student 2: (eyes widen) I don't go to no church.
Teacher Hope: You should try it sometime. Not as bad as you may think. (smiles)

All students begin chatting at their desks. Certain words are heard above the chaos including "on fleek," "flame," and "he be tweeking."  

Teacher Hope: (confused and slightly terrified) I don't know any of these words. I don't know what these kids are talking about! Oh my gosh! Is there a generation gap already? I am not old enough for that yet!  

Lights dim on the chaotic classroom and Total Eclipse of the Heart continues. Again, there is no reason for this song. 

Lights come up on a small rehearsal space also known as Chapman Basement. Six girls sit on the floor, exhausted and frustrated. One of these is Rehearsal Hope. She wears half a costume: army fatigues, a t-shirt, and mismatched socks, one with owls and one with the Harry Potter logo. Her hair was in a bun about two hours ago, but is now disheveled. She is holding back tears and angry words directed at anyone and everyone. Standing above the actresses is their director, an ambitious young woman wearing a scarf in her hair and probably regretting ever signing up to direct this play. 

Director AE: Well...this rehearsal was rough. If lines aren't memorized tomorrow, we will all go back to boot camp on Thursday.
Girls gasp and a brief flashback occurs.

It is 6am, an ungodly time for theatre people. The theatre people are attempting to do pushups and failing absolutely miserably. One ROTC leader stands above them and yells while others laugh from the side. One actress is weeping between pushups, many others are cursing Director AE.

Flashback ends and they are back in the basement. All actresses dish out threatening looks that say to each other "you better have your lines memorized tomorrow." 

Director AE: Before we go, I have something for all of you.
Girls look up expectantly hoping it will be a day off, coffee, or maybe Xanax.
Director AE: I think a lot of motivation has gone out of us lately. But I want you all to remember that these are real women that you are portraying. Real women who served and sacrificed for this country and never received proper recognition. This play is our chance to give them that recognition. But I think that will be more meaningful if you know them by name. I've done some research and found the testimonies of the real women your characters are based on. I would like you all to take the time to read them.
Girls take papers from their director. Lights dim as Rehearsal Hope comes forward, entranced by what she reads. She begins to cry. It is not because of frustration.

Total Eclipse of the Heart plays as the scene transitions to the final scene of opening night for A Piece of My Heart. Six girls hold hands in a circle around a pile of sand that was once shaped like a heart. Each is crying. They've grown so much. They are united by this powerful play. They are trying so hard to hold on to the fleeting moment that is the magic of theatre. They are changed, and they know it. Lights fade out and good ole Bonnie Tyler sings again.

Lights come back on dorm room.
Melissa: Okay, I know you have had the play and student teaching, but those are both done now. Where have you been since then?
Hope: We had a cast party!
Melissa: Didn't you have one of those last night?
Hope: Yeah, we had another one.
Melissa: (laughs) Well, what are you doing tomorrow night?
Hope: (sheepishly) We have another cast party...
Melissa: What do you even do at these parties?
Lights come up on the other side of the stage. Two young men are loudly singing Mulan songs to a group of laughing girls.
Hope: You know...just hang out.
Lights out.

Lights come back up on the dorm. It is a week later. Only Post-show Hope is seen in the room now. She is curled up in the fetal position on the floor moaning as "Piece of My Heart" by Janis Joplin plays too loudly. A knock is heard at the door. Post-show Hope moans "come in." Mama Autumn, a floormate, enters.
Mama Autumn: (in the voice you use when you find a child eating playdough) Hope...what are you doing?
Post-show Hope: Mourning.
Mama Autumn: Is this because the play is over?
Post-show Hope: (face buried into carpet) It was the best play in the whole world. (begins to sob)
Mama Autumn: Have you eaten anything in a while?
Post-show Hope: What do I have to offer the world anymore??
Mama Autumn: (coaxes Post-show Hope off the floor) Okay, we are going to go get some dinner. Does that sound good? Good. Can you put on your shoes?
Post-show Hope: Back in Nam, the only shoes we wore were combat boots. (starts to cry again)
 Lights out and Total Eclipse of the Heart plays again.

The rest of the semester is shown in a video montage projected on the back of a stage. Scenes include a lot of coffee, a trip to Chicago, late night talks, one-act performances, long country drives, talking to mice at the pet store, laughter, tears, multiple class presentations, successful counseling sessions, great literature, pedicures, breakfasts, all-nighters, and great displays of bull-crap on forgotten assignments.  
All of this culminates to the next moment. Hope sits on a bench, crying. She moves out tomorrow. The semester is ending. The tears are grateful tears. Grateful tears for the amazing first year of college. The tears are also the result of the all-nighter pulled the night before and the fact she hasn't started packing yet. The lights fade out.

A spotlight comes up on Hope who stands in a now empty dorm room, holding a heavily marked essay. She addresses the audience.

Hope: "A beautiful mess." That's what my professor said about the last paper I wrote this semester. Appropriate, I think. Life is kind of a beautiful mess. This semester has been amazing. An adventure. I've become more myself than ever before. I wouldn't trade the beautiful mess for anything.

She exits and lights fade.

 
 

 
 
 

Saying Goodbye

I'm going to miss this room. It's always messy and sometimes much to small, but it's been my home. My place of rest, something that's all mine. It's also been a kindling of a beautiful friendship. 

I'm going to miss my roommate. She is a rare and shining light in this world. Sometimes we drive eachother crazy. Sometimes we don't know what to say. But those long talks at night about God and those silly moments of imitations and laughter are so amazing. I'm going to miss those moments.

I'm going to miss this dorm. It's been around a long time. Only one of the showers on our floor gives hot water and the fire alarm has gone off 9 times this year, but I will miss this dorm. Living here is like being a part of a legacy. Years of students, years of trials and triumphs. And I got to add to that? Wow.

I'm going to miss my floor. There have been hurt feelings and tense moments, but there have also been an immense amount of sincere shoulders to cry on, so much laughter, irreplaceable memories, and a lot of cuddling. 

I'm going to miss the prayer chapel. It has become a place where I have can quiet my soul and rest or cry out to God at full volume. As the years ends, I regret all of the mornings and nights I felt the urge to go, but didn't. It's a beautiful place.

I'm going to miss the people here. So many beautifully crafted people living in the way God has intended for them! I watch as people discover their callings and respond to God's voice. How blessed I am to see this everyday!

I'm going to miss the culture too. It's like we have our own language. "MRS degree" "Luddy" "ring by spring" "double dribble Jesus" 

A world only we understand so fully. :) 

I know I'm coming back in three months. I know a lot will stay the same. But a lot will be different too. I'm not sad. Just reflective. I have had an amazing year here. Maybe the best of my life so far. I am sad to let it go.

Christmas and Culture Shock

The finals are over. The loose ends are tied. No papers to write. 

You've caught the plane home. You've sort of unpacked (aka you unzipped the suitcase and dug through to find your pajamas).

You said your hellos.

What do you do now?

Sleep. Oh sweet blessed sleep.

Coming home from college for the first time was...super weird.

The nonstop, energetic Hope was finally told to stop. So she did.

I could tell my parents were worried that I was depressed or something. All I wanted to do was sleep and read and eat. Leaving the house the first time was a very special occasion. 

When I did leave the house, I realized that college is exactly all that they said it was.

A big, beautiful bubble of learning and growth and enthusiasm. The best days of your life. 

Then you go back to the "real world".

Everyone is so busy! In college, you are busy too, but you are busy doing what makes you happy. In the "real world"...I don't think people have stopped long enough to figure out what they are busy doing.

At a university, people are seeking: Seeking knowledge, friendship, love, perspectives, beliefs. In the "real world" this seems to go away. I don't know why, but it's really sad.

Also, in the "real world," you can't just hand the barista your student ID and expect to be handed a latte. That's a sad realization.

I am so happy to be home with my family. I desperately needed the rest of being home. It's been amazing to have alone time, to read FOR FUN, to have my mom do my laundry, and to wake up to my dogs licking my face (it's gross, but it's love.)

Since being home, I've definitely noticed that I am not the same as before. People that I hardly know keep telling me that I've changed, and they can't even begin to understand the extent of the change. I'm quieter. I like to think hard before I say anything because I want what I say to mean something. I'm not afraid of having different opinions than others. I'd rather have a meaningful time alone than a meaningless time with people. 

My perspective of myself has changed. I have a former foundation of who I am and where I'm going now. I'm a compassionate, honest, and ambitious young woman who is being used by God. I have become very self aware. I recognize my faults and my breaking points. I know when I need rest. I seek out the relationships that I feel are lacking in my life.

My perspectives of others have changed too. I've gained more respect for some and lost some respect for others. I've realized that love is the only social skill necessary. :)

My perspective of God has radically changed. I went to Olivet expecting that God would take away all the old problems. I didn't expect that I wouldn't have new problems, but I thought college would be like a magic eraser of the past. That's not how God works. For some people, He does radical life changing miracles and heals immediately. For others, He promises that healing will come in due time. He asks us to trust His timing. Sometimes that timing could mean in a few years, other times it may not be until we get Heaven! I believe that whatever His timing looks like, it's got an epic reason that I am so excited to be a part of.

Change is scary sometimes but I really LIKE this change!!! And yes, you were all correct, college is the best days of your life. I'll give you that one. ;)

Oh! And MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Can we all just take a moment and recognize the extremity of what was done for us the night Jesus was born? God hadn't spoken to His people in 400 years! Have you ever felt like you were out of touch with God? It sucks, right? You doubt His presence, you doubt yourself, you feel abandoned. Imagine 400 years of that. You could go a whole lifetime trying to trust in God when you have never heard Him. But the thing was, even before that, a lot of people weren't hearing from God. The prophets, of course, spoke for God. Some blessed people had visions. But there was no Holy Spirit tugging at your heart or whispering peace into your ear. I don't think people would have understood our concept of a "calling." But then Jesus came and EVERYBODY became capable of speaking with God. He put us all on the same level; He brought equality. Everybody can talk to God now, not just "special" people. This baby gave us the most precious gift in the world: a constant companion, a calling, and a RELATIONSHIP to the God of the universe. 

That's some pretty cool stuff right there, people.

I know this blog post was a little scattered, but I just wanted to share my reflections of Christmas break thus far (I go back in less than a week!! Ahhh!) and wish you all a merry little Christmas and happy New Year. God bless this year for each of you!

Final note: set low resolutions and you'll end 2015 feeling like you accomplished a ton! 

I survived.

I survived my first semester of college. Wow. 

I SURVIVED MY FIRST SEMESTER OF COLLEGE!

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just finished my last final, and it feels pretty surreal. It's been an emotional week. Lots of reflection on who I was, who I am, where I am, and where I have come. There is a lot to reflect upon.

On August 23rd, 2014, I was so nervous about my freshman year that I threw up. Literally. Puked. Vomited. Barfed. Out of utter fear. I started hyperventilating at the thought of not living with my parents. I was scared of myself: could I function on my own? Could I make my own decisions? I had only memorized my social security number last year!

Now, on December 12th, 2014, I feel like a victor. No, it's definitely not perfect, but I survived. I survived months of college cafeteria food, living in a glorified sardine box, and the papers that never seem to be finished. How did I do? Prayer, amazing friends, and a whole lot of coffee. I have learned so much this semester; I have grown; I have made hard decisions. I am proud of myself.

There's no way to sum up this whole semester in words. I'm excited to go home, but I know 100% that I will miss my life here while I am gone. I think that's a good thing.

I survived...wow.